I believe you can do anything if you deal with it properly. Whatever the result will be, just stick with your choices, dont regret or fret.-Nancy Z.
I found these words of encouragement on her blog today. They stood out to me, becuase I'm facing some hard choices in my life right now. They are even difficult for me to talk about them on this blog, to anyone... I avoid talking about it, because I AM afraid. :(
My boyfriend, the topic is scary for me to talk about it, but I need some advice. Ok... well here it goes. I believe he is in love with me and wants to marry me. Definetly not anytime soon, but in the future, he's mentioned it, brought up stuff about it, or hinted at it. For some reason it scares me to death thinking about the future, and all that stuff. I still feel like a kid, and want to be one for quite a while longer. I dont feel ready to be an adult, to get married or any of that. It frightens me to my core. There are things I want to do first, things I have to do, dreams Ive dreamed since I was a little girl, sure some girls dream of getting married and what not, but my dream was always different. It was to complete Cloud Keepers, a story that I want to bring to life through animation. Animation a career I have not even started on yet, and who knows how long it will be till I finish graduating, and then finally being able to work on Cloud Keepers. I cant really explain this calling I have, but it feels like its just something I have to do, like drinking water every day or breathing, its just this over powering desire to fullfill this childhood dream. Once its complete I feel I'll be able to settle down, but for now, Its just so important to me... maybe even more important than marrige. It sounds so bad I know. Its not that I dont like my b/f or any thing, cause I do a lot... but also here goes into the next thing Im going to talk about..
Ok... yes I do really like him a lot, but Im not sure yet if Im in love. But Ive realized, possibly a big part of why, is because Im not allowing myself to. I know once I do, Im voulnerable, everything will change. Change scares me a lot. Im afraid of getting hurt or hurting him. I'm worried if he's the one, but some times I feel he is... You know its funny, I always was searching, looking, waiting, hopeing for that amazing christian guy to come and sweep me off my feet, I thought Id never find him, and thought having a b/f would make me happy and solve everything. Turns out... its not what I wanted. And Tigger, he was always there, pursuing me quietly from the side, though I tried and tried to push him away, he stayed true to his heart and never gave up on me. In time that won me over, and I decided to give him and dating a try. I realize now though, having a b/f is not really whats most important. I see now, more than anything, I wanted to find myself, be happy in my skin and body, love myself, and discover who I truley am first. I was on my way, but not fully there before we started dadting. Perhaps I did make a mistake in dating him before I was ready, but then again we never know whens the right time we just have to take a risk and jump in the water, or we will never know. I'm having a hard time now trying to decide if its best to continue in the relationship while still trying to discover who I am, or break it off for a while to allow myself to learn on my own. It definetly feels harder in the relationship, then it was on my own. I have to put his feelings first, which isn't bad, but when your only taking care of your self, things are easier, and you can focus sololy on what you need to. Part of me feels Im meant to learn the rest of who I am in the the relationship, and the other half of me doesnt. I know Tigger is so loving, kind, and patient, he'd probably wait for me if I asked him to, in order for me to find myself. But that feels so selfish, and I also have this sad feeling I'd loose him forever If I did. Its all thrown up in the air, Im so confused about everything. All I know is he is in love with me, and is so sure and confident in his feelings but Im not. Im unsure about everything in my life, my job, the career I want to go in, what I really want out of life and in a partner.
All my life I've had this image, fantasy I guess you could say of the dream ideal guy I was looking for. I always had this feeling that he was just out of reach and Id never find him for a long long time then out of know where, he'd come and sweep me off my feet. He'd be everything I wanted and more and I'd be in love and he'd love me. He'd be christian, cute, asian or white, an artist, loved the same music as me, was a dreamer, and had a passion for what he did. Id admire him and it would be flowers and daiseys, we would get married and work on art together. blah blah.. I had this whole list. lol... I lived in such a fantasy world, had such high expectations, and thought I knew exactly what it'd be like, and how I should feel. I based it off of movies, books, you name it. I felt that in real life itd be just like those books and movies. True love and nothing else.
Yeah... funny how things are completly different then what you thought in real life. Tigger is every thing I was not expecting, but at the same time everything I was. He's actually way different then me. He's a scientifical kind of guy, he likes to read, and is very smart. Hes more a simple realistic guy, sees the world as it is, accepts it and loves it. He's a God fearing man, in love with the Lord, and a passion to serve him, and be loving servent to others. Hes very down to earth and wise beyond his years. I on the other hand am artsy, daydreamer, not practical at all, I see the world and want to live in my own world, some where I find better, I like to dream and imagine things differently, be creative, I dont like reality, Im imature, and still holding on to my childhood tightly.
The more I get to know him though, the more I admire things about him, and he teaches me things I never knew about. Its so weird, because like I said I thought Id be with some one who liked the same things as me, but since we are differen't we show eachother different things about oursleves and learn different things. He shows me how to see the world a little more realisticaly and practically I guess you could say, and I show him how to see the world from a more daydream sort of view, lol, if that makes sense. XD any way... I feel he is helping me grow up a bit though and let go of some of my child hood things. I dont want to, but really, Im 20 years old... there is a time when I have to start to grow up, and its now about that time. He helps me with that... and also... here's the next thing...
He treats me so nicely, hes so good to me it blows my mind that I can't even fathom it. He treates me like Im the rarest treasure in the world, and would do anything for me. He's so respectful to me, and never ever tries to touch me in an inapropriate area, or is to forward. He's very patient. Really its so hard for me to explain, he treats me better even then I imagined a guy would treat me, like how i dreamed the guy I'd be with would treat me, he treates me even better then that. No guy has ever treated me like he does, or made me feel he was never going to hurt me or change his mind. I can tell he's sincere in every word he says, and I feel he really sees me, the real me, and doest just look past me. With so many guys I felt they just never saw me, that I was never good enough. Like they would maybe like me for a while, but then change their minds. Or I felt they thought I was ugly or not pretty enough, what ever you name it. With other guys my self confidence would drop and Id feel Id always have to work hard around them for them to like me, or accept me. Not with tiger, he makes me feel beautiful all time time. I could be wearing sweats and a t-shirt with glasses and he still thinks Im beautiful... some times its almost annoying how much he compliments me, because I dont see what he does, and I'll feel I dont look good, but he thinks I do. Its almost so foreign to me, all of this, having a b/f, and him treating me like this. Im not used to it, and it scares me some times how strong his feelings are for me... I guess Im just so confused, why its so hard for me to open up to him, and why Im so scared of everything. Its all a blurr, and Im torn between everything. Part of me really feels God brought tiger in my life for a reason, cause he really could be the one. I dont think another guy in the world is going to love me like how he does. There has to be a reason, and Tiger prays so much about me and the relationship. He says stuff like God must have shown mercey on him for allowing him to be with me. ;_; Tiger doesn't even feel worthy to be with me. Its crazy. I guess this is just all so new to me and scary. I didn't think anything like this would be happeneing to me for a long long time, and now its here, and I have to make very important desicions from here on out. I can't be afraid of these choices and desicions forever,Im going to have to face them eventually. I cant keep avoiding them, or avoiding talking about them. Im going to pray harder about all of these things as well, and thank you all so much for reading this. Im sorry it was so long... >< Love you all. God Bless
I totally identify with you. I'm 21 and still try to live in a "daydream."
ReplyDeleteFor me, I don't see myself getting married anytime soon. I definitely wanna be out of college before I get married.. and I definitely wanna be out on my own and living by myself before I get married also.
I can't really help you, I've never been in any real relationship. I could tell you what I'd do, but it wouldn't be any help. I'm honestly afraid of the idea of a relationship/commitment. Sure I love the idea of that guy who I'll always wake up to or the boyfriend who will take care of me when I'm sick... but I don't know if it's because of my parents marriage/relationship (which on the outside might seem cheery, but it wasn't always and still isn't).
I guess I love the idea of being free. No one to tell me what do to, where to be, and not having to worry about stepping on someone else's feelings. Yes I absolutely ABSOLUTELY believe in praying about everything! EVERYTHING! But sometimes God makes us choose our own choices, you know? Maybe you should talk to Tiger about it. And you know, 20 isn't that old.. you're still pretty much a kid. I'm still pretty much a kid. We're all still pretty much kids. We all still pretty much live at home as well >.<
Have you talked to your mom about it? See what she has to say, or your sister? It'd also be good to get advice from already married people. My sister always tells me the only thing she regrets is not being able to live on her own before getting married. She went straight from Mom and Dad's to getting a place with Sean.
I also think why I'm not totally ready for a serious relationship is because I don't love myself at all. I think "how could I love/like someone else when I don't even love myself?" I know what you're going to say but it's true I pretty much have 0% self confidence and when I say otherwise I'm probably lying, I'm good at that. It's a long road, but hopefully it will end and there will be an amazing guy on the otherside. Haha.
To summarize it: Maybe you should just see where this relationship goes the rest of this year. Do you see yourself getting married to him in the future? Just take a deep breath relax your mind, do you see yourself with him? Truly. Because if he has said something about getting married, specifically to you, than it's something that you do have to think about. And if it does leave you with doubt and uneasiness than that probably means that you're not ready.
Love is a scary word for me too. I'll say "love you" to people, but I don't mean love love you. You know? Like "lylas" or whatever is cool, but I've never really said "I love you" to anyone but my family. I don't know what I'm trying to say, I'm weird.
And I don't think you're being selfish by wanting to do things before getting married. My parents always tell me to do things I wanna do before I get married because you won't really be able to afterwards. So dude, no you're not selfish. There are so many things I wanna do before getting married, things I wanna do for myself. Me. I don't think I'm selfish. Ha.
Okay well I guess I'm starting to ramble now and sorry for such a long comment. If you need to talk you can totally call / text me whenever. WHENEVER you want. No matter the time. :D Love you girl, and I mean LOVE, haha, I hope things get better.
*read it all* ;_;
ReplyDeleteI totally hear where you're coming from, though. As we've talked about before, I'm sort of going through the same stuff with Ethan. However, I have had more time to think about things since he first mentioned it, and I'm not entirely scared at the idea of marriage, or marriage to him, it's not an uneasy feeling at all, more peaceful and content when I think about it instead. The timing or WHEN I'll ever feel ready for marriage is still totally unclear to me, but it's all in God's plans anyway. However, that was all really only gained through going through the relationship more and really seeing myself with him, or not. The pros, cons, the possibility of it all. Time really helped ease my mind, and the whole relationship itself has allowed me to mature and grow.
I think you'd definitely be able to focus on yourself still in the relationship too; however, it gets harder the closer you get to one another because an attachment forms, and subconsciously, Tiger may start to feel neglected or rejected if you're wanting to focus more on yourself, though you don't mean that towards him at all. That's what me and Ethan are going through now, except I'm in Tiger's spot and you're in Ethan's, haha. I know for sure that I would've appreciated more of an honest confession from Ethan upfront and sooner about wanting time to focus on himself in the relationship too, instead of him just sort of going for it anyway and making me feel less important to him. However, now that I understand that he still cares for me, but just wants some time to himself to discover himself, there is no more confusion there. If you are going to stay in the relationship, I'd make it a priority to tell Tiger that you are really passionate about your current goals and dreams too, and want to accomplish them; that you are still discovering yourself all the while.
And in a relationship, it's not bad to want to care for yourself. Relationships teach us the balance of both; caring for someone else above yourself, but also caring for yourself in a new way. A relationship is truly firm and sound when both people have steady ground knowing their relationship is still strong towards one another as partners, but they are independent and working on themselves as well. This naturally creates more time apart, however, when time together happens it's much more treasured and overall growth is more apparent. If the relationship is nothing but constant putting the other person first, you'd always be spending time together and never have alone time or time to care for yourself. You'd be constantly trying to make the other person happy. A relationship that is almost more natural and and relaxed, but still committed, is a healthier one in my opinion.
I know we'll be talking about it all in person, haha, but this will give you something to come back too. :) Mattie's advice is all very very wise as well; I'm just giving you my side of the story, I guess.
I love you girly! *hugs* You can always talk to me. :3 <3 And you know this. XD