Thursday, August 2, 2012

About to have a Breakdown....

I really feel like Im about to have a breakdown... I feel so much heavy weight building up over my head and I can't figure out exactly where its coming from.... I know a lot of it is from work... I work too much... I know that.. but I have to to help my mom out... Im sick of the same old conversations at work, the same, same dumb stuff every day, nothing changes, except I'm aging and getting no where... I feel like I'm drifting away from everyone and everything I love... I feel like Im losing close friendships with people because I'm always so busy and they think I'm making up excuses maybe or something... I'm worried everyone is talking about me behind my back. I'm always anxious and feel depressed when I'm at work. I fake a smile... I try to do a good job but I feel I'm just getting by. My heart isn't into my work thats for sure. I stay up late every night trying to do the things I wish I could through out the day, such as cleaning, reading, or especially working on my art. I barely see my mom, I'm barely home, I'm always busy, my days are always planned for me. I want to have time for everyone but I can barely find time for myself. I'm not ready to go back to school... :( I want more time... thats what I really want is time, that's my own and I am in control of what I can do with it. Not little lunch breaks where I go back and forth constantly to work and home. I want whole days to myself, and I want whole days with my friends. I want to go some where, get out of Piedmont and see the world. I want to travel, I want to go to a beautiful forest and be in solitude with nature and talk to God. Life is so busy and crazy and over whelming some times... I really don't think this is how God intended us to live... I really think the Indians had it right. Living in nature and only using what they needed... *sigh* sorry for my rant but I had to let it all out.... and I still have more to go... so bare with me sorry! ><
Ok, I feel fake, I feel I act nice at work but thats not how I feel. I worry people will think all this time its been an act and some day they will see my true colors. I got angry at work and almost cried today because things keep going wrong and I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel depressed! I'm not happy... I can't seem to find joy, or peace... I want God's help... did I mention I feel I'm losing friendships.. :( I'm going to try harder to be a better friend and a better worker, daughter... I just want to do better. I hate feeling this way... I want to be truly filled with joy again... that lasts even when the days are hard and feel they go on forever with no peace in sight... I feel like I'm going in circles and everything is stuck in an endless routine that I can never seem to break no matter where I go or what I do I'm always stuck. I'm so sick of all the negativity in the world anymore, all the vulgarness, lack of respect everywhere I go I see this country crumbling slowly to the ground and it breaks my heart, and it makes me even more sad thinking how much it breaks God's heart... How can people push God out?! I just don't understand... it just makes me so sad...
I dont know what to do anymore... all I can say is I'm trying... and I will keep trying and praying till God leads me down the right path.


  1. I understand how you're feeling.. but you are NOT losing friendships. At all. All it is is everyone's lives being busy and in different directions from one another. We've all been really tight for so long, bonded spiritually and emotionally that I don't think we can just drift apart so easily. We're tethered by spiritual ties that God is holding, gently guiding us all along our own paths but still keeping us all together. He won't just let go and let us all fade away from one another, no. I still think it's destiny that we all became such good friends in such a smooth and quick fashion. That we all stood strong against many trials and tests, some trials that are still to come. Many friendships wither within a year, but we're all withstanding years on end.

    I know it's a scary feeling to feel distant from someone, to feel like your'e losing them, but sometimes all it takes is to reach out a little and just talk to them more or even mention how you're feeling -- make sure they know that you love them, care about them, but that life is just crazy right now. If there are any problems, they can get worked out. But honestly, I think all it is, is all of us caught up in our own lives, feeling as you are but within our own personal ways. Everyone has a different struggle I guess :(

    I feel it too -- but when we're altogether, enjoying our time when we do, I cherish and relish in those moments. Hold them close to my heart, because I know that we may not see each other often, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're all drifting apart.

    Now, about the job thing. I totally understand. My job is starting to feel superficial. I am faking it through work as well; pretending to be cheerful and just brush off things, when things really really bother me. I feel bitter and angry, like I told you, I even get on the verge of breaking down, cursing, whatever ... I act nice to my employees but sometimes, most of them really bug me and I'll get annoyed and rant about them behind their back. I feel like they're fake to me, and I'm being fake towards them. Idk, it's all messed up. You're at the bank everyday, for so long each day, you see them all so much, that has GOT to get old. And for me, I've just been at VS for over a year now, so that's what's wearing on me I guess...

    But anyway. The bank does give you good hours and a good income. I understand you want to help your mom, you're very selfless in that act, but at the same time, your happiness is important too. If you're constantly feeling depressed and miserable where you are in life because of certain things, maybe changing those certain things will help. Or else you'll continue feeling like this, only faking to get by which only makes things worse.

    Doesn't Hobby Lobby pay like, 10 an hour at most? Plus I'm sure you could work there full time w/ school, and still have at least a day or two off, and you'll always have Sundays off. Plus it's a nice Christian organization, with tons of different people working there that are into crafting and artsy things most likely, where I"m sure you'd feel like you belong. The bank has been good for you, but in the since of breaking away from the daycare. Now you need to find a temporary job that you feel comfortable with. That may mean sacrificing a little bit of pay and money for contentment and happiness within a job.

  2. (my comment was too long O.O)

    Also, just let me know if I'm ever like... overbearing you with stuff. Hang-out or otherwise. Sometimes i worry I always want our friends to hang out and that I plan stuff too much, or want to hang out too much, or come up with too many ideas or things to do. I don't want to be scheduling anyone's days for them or overloading them :( I feel like I do that to Ethan too... I tend to get clingy and don't realize that sometimes, people just want their space and their own time. I probably need to learn to embrace alone time as well.

    ALSO (and I'm almost through) these months really suck. It's a transitionary period; the end of summer, the start of school. Things are changing and it's all int he air around us. That causes anxiety, tension, depression, etc. Kind of like the period after Christmas but during the bitter cold when school starts up again. It's like everything you're looking forward to and enjoy is over with, and there's not much else for a few months. I've been feeling that heavily, especially with school starting, ugh. Who likes that? :/ I think everyone wants more time... I wish there was a way to just choose a day you allow yourself to not do ANYTHING besides what you WANT to do. That should be a law or something. I think it'd help with the sanity of EVERYONE if we all could just relax a little more.

    Life is too hectic... I think God would want us to be more relaxed. Quieter, listening for Him and living in love, not living in a fast pace rush to get everything done. Things of this world like money and careers are no where near as important to me as friends and family and memories and God -- however it almost seems like to survive in this world, we have to focus on finances, school, and work. :/ it's dumb.

    Just remember... we're not Home yet, and this isn't where we belong. But we do have to live here until Christ returns, or we're called Home, and we have to make the most of the shell God gave us.

    I hope I didn't sound too preachy or spoke too long. I tend to make big comments but I speak so much better in writing than words, lol...

    I love you though, so much, Cheryl-dear. :) Like, you don't even know... We're all always here for you, night and day, and feel free to rant and break down and cry or scream however much you want. Let it out, but then let it go.

    Like I said, I lovelovelove you. Text, call, or whatever, I can be in Piedmont in 30-ish minutes if I need to.

  3. Thanks so much Meghan! ;___; and no you aren't being clinging and planning to much stuff. I wanna hang out with you all! :( hugs. >< I think just over all life's been so busy... and I think Ive been over worrying... :( its just so scary all these new changes... and how busy we have all become and how we all are starting to break off on our own paths... but your right! We have all stayed this close for so long I don't think we will ever lose our friendships ether... I think I just started worrying to much. :( But thank you for all the advice about everything.. I think I need to just really think things through and pray harder about stuff, especially with my job. You are amazing Meghan, thank you for always being here for me, and giving amazing advice! *hugs* ;__; love you too!